Mike Steele In The Hour Of Chaos — Part 3: “This Was My Master Plan All Along”

“…thinking of a master plan/

it ain’t nothin’ but sweat inside my hand…”

— The great Rakim, “Paid In Full”

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.  On the one hand, I want you to stop being such a disaster.  But on the other hand, you stumbling over yourself gives me so much joy that the Surgeon General will deem your failures to be high in cholesterol.  It’s bad enough that your plan to “hip-hopify” the GOP continues to be the source of great comedic material.  It’s bad enough when a pin-striped hoodie-wearing Stephen Colbert schools you, as we can see here:

What makes your epic failure more and more enjoyable?  Why, I’ll let Steele’s own words speak for him:

I’m very introspective about things. I’m a cause-and-effect kind of guy. So if I do something, there’s a reason for it… It may look like a mistake, a gaffe. There is a rationale, there is a logic behind it… I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest. I want to know who says they’re with me but really isn’t.”

“It helps me understand my position on the chess board. It helps me understand, where, you know, the enemy camp is and where those who are inside the tent are …It’s all strategic.”

Yes, dear readers… Steele said that his calling Rush Limbaugh “incendiary” and “ugly” were all part of a master plan.  A master plan that included Steele trying to assert himself as the leader of his party, only to have the de facto leader remind him that he’s a stooge that should be seen and not heard… Pee Wee Herman said it best when he said “I meant to do that!”  The sad thing (and by sad, I mean “ridiculously hilarious”) is that I think that Steele is SERIOUS.  He did all of this to “test the waters” and to see who’s with him and who isn’t.  Oh, one more thing.  He talks about his position on the chess board and understanding where the enemy camp is.  He hasn’t even made it to the chess board.  Or the checkerboard.  At BEST, Steele is one of those little pellets that Pac Man Limbaugh (hey, I like that!) devours in his quest to become a real-life Jabba The Glut.  Steele isn’t even one of those power pellets that make the ghosts turn blue… he’s just one thousands of snacks for the real power brokers in the Republican Party.

This is Steele’s plan for a strategy… try to assert yourself as the leader of your party, because, you know, you were elected to do that.  Call out the venomous hate-mongering bloviations of a hillbilly-heroin addicted waste of protoplasm.  Listen to said protoplasm put you in your place and tell you to dance.  You dance, and kick your heels up in ways that would make Shaolin monks and Rockettes green with envy.  Then, announce that it was ALL PART OF YOUR MASTER PLAN.  Great.  It’s a good thing that you’re not the Commander-In-Chief.  With this sort of strategy, you’d declare war on Iran by bombing Canada and then sending Green Berets and Navy Seals to Haiti… and then tell the dead Canadians and Haitians that it was all part of your master plan to weed out the real terrorists.  It’s a good thing that you’d never even CONSIDER running for President, because it would be a disasterbacle of biblical proportions.  Why, it would be…

** whisper whisper **

Say what now?

** whisper whisper 2012 whisper **

Oh.  He IS open to running for President, but “only if that is where God wants (him) to be at that time.”  Wonderful.

The only thing that a Steele run for the Presidency would do is that it would provide endless amounts of comedy.  The primaries ALONE would be worth it, to watch the wolves tear each other apart (picture Piyush “Bobby Brady” Jindal v. Steele v. Palin in a Coultergeist/Limbaugh/Hannity-moderated debate, if you will…and if such a concentration of hatred doesn’t try to rip your soul apart first).

So there we have it… the next time Steele seems to open feet and insert mouth, don’t think of it as a gaffe or a screw-up.  Think of it as a master stroke of genius, where Steele’s idiotic comment of today becomes the brilliant strategy of tomorrow.  He is planning to stumble, butt-over-teakettle, into the White House… and he’ll do it Hip hop style, yo.

The Long Four Years Of President Barry O/Week 8

Today’s topic, Self-Destruction:

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Last night, President Obama made history by doing what no acting President has ever done, gone on a late night talk show to yuk it up and show the Free World that, “hey, I’m one of you, I’m a nice guy”.

Let’s ignore the fact that most of us would never get an invite to The Tonight Show to just shoot the bull with Jay, I think the President pretty much showed that, yeah, he’s just about as human as the rest of us, even with his Ivy League education and that other fancy book learning when he put his foot right into his mouth:

Towards the end of his approximately 40-minute appearance, the president talked about how he’s gotten better at bowling and has been practicing in the White House bowling alley.

He bowled a 129, the president said.

“That’s very good, Mr. President,” Leno said sarcastically.

It’s “like the Special Olympics or something,” the president said.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

wonder_woman

Oh yeah he did.

After all the people back at the White House who said that letting President Obama go commando without his trusty teleprompter

is like letting Kanye West grab the mic without turning on his vocoder

Or just letting Kanye sing at all.  Sheesh.  Anyway….

After all the I-TOLD-YOU-SO’s finished high fiving one another and collecting their winnings from the “The President Says Something Controversial” bet, the White House went into damage control:

Almost immediately after the programme aired, the White House issued a contrite statement.

Press spokesman Bill Burton said: “The president made an off-hand remark making fun of his own bowling that was in no way intended to disparage the Special Olympics.”

Mr Obama, he added, “thinks the Special Olympics is a wonderful program that gives an opportunity for people with disabilities around the world.”

I thought it was a great interview, the President was open, honest, funny and cool.  But by the end of the day, nobody will be talking about that.

I know that the President didn’t mean any harm and the vast majority of America knows that the President didn’t mean any harm by what he said.  But these dudes:

rush

They are gonna eat his ass up like fried catfish.

You can check out the comment on You Tube (before NBC takes it down…man, don’t get me started)

White People, come get Joaquin Phoenix

   Joaquin Phoenix performs at the LIV nightclub at the Fountainbleau Hotel in Miami Beach, Fla., early Thursday, March 12, 2009 for a Belvedere 1X Party. Phoenix jumped off the stage during the short performance and confronted an audience member who was heckling him. Security guards dragged him back on stage and escorted Phoenix away.

This was cute for about 3 seconds.  Then it was annoying, then he went on Letterman, wasted everybody’s time and, yet, became the talk of the Free World, proving  that the Free World has too much time on its collective hands.  Now you got GoopGirl Gwyneth telling him to “get street cred”:

Gwyneth Paltrow tells Joaquin Phoenix: Get street cred — chicagotribune.com.

“What advice would I give to Joaquin? Hmmm…maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe.”

That’s nice, Gwyneth, keep those sterotypes alive. That’s not funny, even if was a joke. Go feed Apple.

White folks, you need to stop this fool.  Do you see black entertainers doing stupid stuff they shouldn’t?

Touche’…well played.  Allow me to put that card back in the deck before you bust out the Kanye singing on live TV vids.

Back to River’s little bro.  It’s beyond stupid and, worse, he’s not even trying to make this look authentic, like he’s actually trying .  Oh, look at me, I’m acting crazy, hee hee!  Golly, I just mumbled something on a mic, folks are really gonna fall for this, ho ho!

I hope no one is buying this crap, yet, we totally let these two himbo frat boys set America back 70 years:

We suck, no wonder the rest of the world hates us.

Chuck Norris As Walker, Texas Secessionist

My colleague had already beaten me to the Jim Cramer story, where Cramer was humbled by Jon Stewart. So, while I was looking for other stuff besides the ridiculousness of the What’chu Talkin’ Bout Willis Tower, I found this interesting story.

Chuck Norris, Prepared To Roundhouse Common Sense In The Head

Chuck Norris, Prepared To Roundhouse Common Sense In The Head

Apparently, Walker –er, I mean Chuck, is dissatisfied with the state of the union, and he feels like it’s circling the bowl. Needless to say, part of the reason why it’s doing so is because of 8 years of a barely literate chimp driving the country with all of the accuracy of Ted Kennedy at Chappaquidick. And how does Chuck express his disdain with the country? Why, he uses the logical approach of wanting to become President of a state after it secedes from the Union.  It started off as a tongue-in-cheek interview on Fox News (of course), with the always-objective Glenn Beck (my fingers threw up a little bit after typing that last phrase).  But in a blog post, Chuck seems to be entertaining the thought of having himself run for President of Texas.  He goes on to say that Texas has proven that it has the ability to survive on its own, without help from the Federal Government

Let I get this straight… a citizen of the United States is suggesting that one of the states in the union secede and form their own country.  Ummm… didn’t we already solve this problem with the CIVIL WAR?  Chuck is believing all of the hype of the Chuck Norris Facts, and now he seems to be taking himself seriously as a conservative pundit.  But like most conservative pundits (especially the ones that appear on Glenn Beck’s Gloom-And-Doom Hate-Filled Paranoia-Thon), Chuck is months late and millions of dollars short.

Chuck, where was your concern for the direction this country was headed when its previous President was allowed to circumvent the Constitution of the United States in order to declare war on a country that had nothing to do with the attack on its own soil?  Were you too busy roundhouse kicking yourself into oblivion?  And you are suddenly NOW concerned about government spending.  Unless the kicks that Bruce Lee gave you in “Return of the Dragon” are affecting your memory, you should remember just how costly this war was… costly in terms of dollars, and in terms of human capital.  It’s odd that you were strangely silent when wounded veterans were coming home to shameful conditions in V.A. hospitals and whatnot?  Were you so concerned about the state of this country when it wouldn’t allow casket-draped coffins to be photographed, because it made people feel sad about the war?

By the way, Chuck… the reason why this country is in the shape it’s in is not because of President Obama.  For goodness’ sakes, he hasn’t even reached the 100-day mark yet.  And now, suddenly, in true cowardly Republican form, HE is the problem.  The current President wasn’t the one that allowed the conditions to be in a state where these corporate goons could rape and pillage their companies to the point of the economic collapse.  It’s not the Democratic Party’s fault that there was no oversight with these companies, in hopes that “trickle-down economics” would work.  You see, Chuck, your rallying cry of being “united and tired of corruption and not taking anymore” is typical of the problems with the Republican Party.  They (just like you) refuse to look inward and see that they are the problem, and that they helped usher in the cataclysms that this country is facing.  Just as some of them think that appointing Mike Steele as chairman of the RNC and having Gov. Bobby Jindal address the country all of a sudden show that the Republicans are “diverse”, your attitude about addressing the ills of this country are equally shortsighted.

In short, Chuck… unless you’re willing to be part of the solution, you are part of the problem.  And seeing as how you’re using Glenn Beck’s show as a platform for your militia-minded secessionist, anti-American frontier gibberish, I only have one suggestion for you.  Chuck Norris, go roundhouse kick yourself in the junk and then shut’cher gobbige mowf.  You’re definitely not helping.

Nailin’ Palin’s Daughter? Not In This Economy

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Alaska Gov. Palin’s daughter, fiance break up.

Actually, I’m shocked that kid didn’t hightail it for the Alaska wilderness as soon as John McCain tapped out. 

Fellas, we were all 19 once, right?  How many of us would have got the hell out of Dodge had they knocked up the daughter of two experienced shotgun wielding, Moose-killing/butchering, backwoods tracking, extreme snowmachining, Iditarod-racing, right-wing ding dong parents like the Ma & Pa Palin?  If you said, “fear of being shot-gunned to death by Moose-killing/butchering, backwoods tracking, extreme snowmachining, Iditarod-racing, right wing ding dong parents”, I would agree with you.

But even those maniacs couldn’t delay the inevitable, this thing was NEVER supposed to last.

He was the Himbo country jock (can you even consider Alaska “country”?  S*it, I dunno.) and she was mouthy, kiss-my-arse, rebellious trollop, on a hormonal collision course that was destined to de-rail as soon as the endorphins wore off and the cold, harsh reality of one of them realizing, “damn, I can’t really stand this asshole” kicked in.  But not before messing up another life by not wearing protection. 

Then Ma, somehow, got picked to be a VP candidate for President and all hell broke loose and not just for Levi and Bristol The Pistol.

But now things are the way they should be… 

Levi can now be free to update his Myspace page, bitch about how hard it is to study for his GED, go buy that old F-150 pickup with the sweet gunrack that his uncle’s been saving for him since he was knee-hi to a grasshopper instead of buying diapers and move on to knock up some other dumb skank to ensure that the evolution of man will continue to be stuck in neutral the survival of the human race and Bristol can become the bitter, single parent who will continue to have lousy taste in men and will wind up marrying some old dude from Juneau for his social security check.

Lo, the Circle Of Life has been completed.