“…thinking of a master plan/
it ain’t nothin’ but sweat inside my hand…”
— The great Rakim, “Paid In Full”
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. On the one hand, I want you to stop being such a disaster. But on the other hand, you stumbling over yourself gives me so much joy that the Surgeon General will deem your failures to be high in cholesterol. It’s bad enough that your plan to “hip-hopify” the GOP continues to be the source of great comedic material. It’s bad enough when a pin-striped hoodie-wearing Stephen Colbert schools you, as we can see here:
What makes your epic failure more and more enjoyable? Why, I’ll let Steele’s own words speak for him:
I’m very introspective about things. I’m a cause-and-effect kind of guy. So if I do something, there’s a reason for it… It may look like a mistake, a gaffe. There is a rationale, there is a logic behind it… I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest. I want to know who says they’re with me but really isn’t.”
“It helps me understand my position on the chess board. It helps me understand, where, you know, the enemy camp is and where those who are inside the tent are …It’s all strategic.”
Yes, dear readers… Steele said that his calling Rush Limbaugh “incendiary” and “ugly” were all part of a master plan. A master plan that included Steele trying to assert himself as the leader of his party, only to have the de facto leader remind him that he’s a stooge that should be seen and not heard… Pee Wee Herman said it best when he said “I meant to do that!” The sad thing (and by sad, I mean “ridiculously hilarious”) is that I think that Steele is SERIOUS. He did all of this to “test the waters” and to see who’s with him and who isn’t. Oh, one more thing. He talks about his position on the chess board and understanding where the enemy camp is. He hasn’t even made it to the chess board. Or the checkerboard. At BEST, Steele is one of those little pellets that Pac Man Limbaugh (hey, I like that!) devours in his quest to become a real-life Jabba The Glut. Steele isn’t even one of those power pellets that make the ghosts turn blue… he’s just one thousands of snacks for the real power brokers in the Republican Party.
This is Steele’s plan for a strategy… try to assert yourself as the leader of your party, because, you know, you were elected to do that. Call out the venomous hate-mongering bloviations of a hillbilly-heroin addicted waste of protoplasm. Listen to said protoplasm put you in your place and tell you to dance. You dance, and kick your heels up in ways that would make Shaolin monks and Rockettes green with envy. Then, announce that it was ALL PART OF YOUR MASTER PLAN. Great. It’s a good thing that you’re not the Commander-In-Chief. With this sort of strategy, you’d declare war on Iran by bombing Canada and then sending Green Berets and Navy Seals to Haiti… and then tell the dead Canadians and Haitians that it was all part of your master plan to weed out the real terrorists. It’s a good thing that you’d never even CONSIDER running for President, because it would be a disasterbacle of biblical proportions. Why, it would be…
** whisper whisper **
Say what now?
** whisper whisper 2012 whisper **
Oh. He IS open to running for President, but “only if that is where God wants (him) to be at that time.” Wonderful.
The only thing that a Steele run for the Presidency would do is that it would provide endless amounts of comedy. The primaries ALONE would be worth it, to watch the wolves tear each other apart (picture Piyush “Bobby Brady” Jindal v. Steele v. Palin in a Coultergeist/Limbaugh/Hannity-moderated debate, if you will…and if such a concentration of hatred doesn’t try to rip your soul apart first).
So there we have it… the next time Steele seems to open feet and insert mouth, don’t think of it as a gaffe or a screw-up. Think of it as a master stroke of genius, where Steele’s idiotic comment of today becomes the brilliant strategy of tomorrow. He is planning to stumble, butt-over-teakettle, into the White House… and he’ll do it Hip hop style, yo.