In a surprise move, the Republican National Committee has selected its candidate for the 2012 Presidential Race. Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, made the announcement at the Fox News-sponsored “Socialist Obama Must Be Stopped” rally in Savannah, Georgia. The rally, which had participants numbering in the dozens, included key Republican figures such as former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, commentators Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, resident court Glenn Beck, and spokesghoul Ann Coulter.
The announcement began after Steele did a stirring rendition of “Dixie”, with Alan Keyes singing back-up. When Steele finished singing, he took to the podium with the news.
“Ladies and gentlemen, great people of the United States! You are all great Americans, and like you, I don’t like where the country is headed. We are on an unmistakable path towards socialism, and the American people were hoodwinked into voting for a celebrity to lead us! I have spoken with the leaders of the the Republican Party, including Boss of all Bosses, Rush Limbaugh, Emperor Dick Cheney, and the Dark Lord of Propaganda, Karl Rove. They have given me permission to agree with them on who best to wrest the control of the government from that Marxist Socialist Communist ni– er… Community Organizer in 2012! We came close with our stirring campaign with Palin/McCain, and all of the real Americans in the real parts of America have spoken. In order to take back control in 2012, we must act now! That’s why we, the Republican Party, the G.O.P., the Grand Old Party, are proud to announce our candidate for the Presidency of the United States. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, the next President of the United States: Former President RONALD WILSON REAGAN!”
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Demonic entity Patrick J. Buchanan released a puff of sulfuric smoke from his acid-encrusted lungs to express glee that the party is finally going to be led by a man of action. “Dead or alive, Ronald Reagan is the greatest president ever, and this country would be wise to select such a great man to take this country back from the hands of a certain uppity individual who still doesn’t know his place.” Sean Hannity requested a napkin and a cigarette in order to compose himself after his apparent excitement. Between sighs of orgasmic bliss, Sean noted that “Ronald Reagan is the single entity that brought down the great red menace of communism, and we know that he’s turning over in his grave. Not because our perverted alchemists are conducting their dark magic to bring Reagan back, but because the same menace that Reagan destroyed overseas is now a threat on our home soil. Obama is a socio-communist Marxist celebrity, and the very idea of Ronald Reagan at the helm makes me… anyone have another cigarette… and another napkin?”
Only Mike Huckabee expressed horror at what the Republican Party was suggesting. “Ladies and gentlemen, do you HEAR yourselves? Ronald Reagan has been dead since 2004! What you’re suggesting doesn’t sit right with me. Look, like you, I feel that the sun rises and sets on St. Ronald of Reagan’s ever-decaying corpse. But we can’t just… bring him back to life, can we? Are we supposed to just go to the Reagan Library and dig him up?”
The crowd began chanting “Dig, Baby Dig!! Dig, Baby, Dig!!”, led by Palin and Steele.
Huckabee, a former governor, interjected by asking about the Constitutional hurdles that a reanimated corpse of Reagan would have to address. “Ladies and gentlemen, Ronald Reagan was a two-term President, and by our Constitution, he can’t be elected again! How are we going to get around that?”
“Eh, that Constitution is nothing but a godd****ed piece of paper. There are ways around it. Trust me,” snarled Cheney. “Rove and my minions are already working on the Patriot Act III with our sleeper agent Nancy Pelosi. Before the President knows what hit him, he’ll be signing into legislation an amendment that allows for multiple-term Presidents, only if they have died previously. It has the appearance of a way to ‘honor’ the efforts of a past President.”
Huckabee continued to express his misgivings about raising a man from the dead for the sake of the Presidency. “I’m sorry, but I have to say it. What you’re suggesting is nothing short of an abomination before man and God. The man is dead. He served his country! Let him rest in peace.”
“Huckabee, your lack of faith is disappointing”, hissed Cheney. “We are the pro-life party. What better way to project the image of protecting the sanctity of life than saying that by bringing back the greatest President in history from the cold clutches of the Grim Reaper? We have been preparing for this moment since Reagan was in office, as samples of his DNA have been stored in a secret facility. Our team of scientists are on standby, and as soon as they receive Reagan’s dessicated corpse, they can do what they do best. We have a litany of black magic incantations from the Necronomicon in case things get a little hairy. If you have a problem with this, well, the Socialist Commie Democrats are always looking for new members.”
“Yeah, you tell ’em, Dark Master Cheney! You tell ’em! We gots this, bawss!!!”, Steele interjected.
Steele closed the rally with a prayer and a softshoe routine.