101 Pop Culture Signs O’ The Apocalypse #Cha-ching!/Diablo Cody’s SWEET VALLEY HIGH

...get yo' minds out the gutter, these are good girls...unfortunately.

...get yo' minds out the gutter, these are good girls...unfortunately.

from USA TODAYs POP CANDY blog:

Diablo Cody is in talks to adapt the Sweet Valley High books for the big screen.

from THE GUARDIAN. UK

The books centred on the lives of identical twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, who live in the fictional town of Sweet Valley, California, and attend the local high school. More than 150 titles were published featuring Jessica, the more flighty of the sisters, and Elizabeth, the practical one, who usually had to save the day when one of her sibling’s fanciful schemes went awry.

Cody is said to have grown up reading the books, which were conceived by Francine Pascal in 1983 and written by an army of ghostwriters over the next two decades. While wildly popular, the books have been criticised for their unrealistic treatment of teenage girls’ lives. Not only were both twins faultlessly beautiful, but Jessica suffered the deaths of five boyfriends over the course of the series, while Elizabeth fell in love with a Parisian prince and an English viscount.

First thought:  “Wow, those books sound like some old chick’s vicarious I-wish-I-was-a-horny-teen-aged wet-dreamed up, sh*t.”

JUNO, THE UNITED STATES OF TARA, JENNIFER’S BODY and SWEET VALLEY HIGH?  What?  No big screen treatment of JEM (She’s truly outrageous?)

This reeks of cash grab.  However, I can’t hate on el Diablo  for getting paid to make that hot garbage into a movie. We all have our childhood pop-culture loves and if some dumb Hollywood fool was going to throw me a boatload of cash to make one of mine a movie, you got damn right I’m making GENE, GENE THE DANCING MACHINE: THE MOVIE!

Gene-Gene

sweet_valley_high-showI remember the SWEET VALLEY HIGH TV show from the early 90s.  Actually, all I really remember is that the twins (left) were hot and now, I realize that was my first Dirty Old Judge Joe Brown (below)

You go, Joe!

You go, Joe!

moment.  Anyway, one of the twins was sluttier (is that a word?) than the other, is there any other way to be?

Much, much sluttier…

Oh, look, stripper pols and role-playing, too?

B_Daniel-TheGame11hd-DL911gq6B_Daniel-TheGame10hd-DLdaniel-pole1

And currently, in what has to be David Duke’s worst nightmare, The bad twin is currently getting busy with the creator of that other early 90s hit show, IN LIVING COLOR

Seth-Brittany-Daniel-KeCast her as the mom of somebody in the movie, TODAY.  And Diablo Cody is going to be involved in a big screen version of this?

I’ve just convinced myself that this might wind up being the greatest movie of all time.

In The Mix/After Emmys Edition

sarahstashio

The only thing greater than Sarah Silverman’s porn mustache…

Silverman Full Length Chris Pizzello…was her fat girl homecoming queen/bride’s maid gear she wore to the show.  Say what you want about her but the bitch brings the funny.  I heart you, Sarah Silverman.

timberlakeIs it me or does Justin Timberlake take over EVERY TV show he appears on?  He’s become the TV equivalent of being Rick-Rolled.

“Don’t look now, sucka, you been Justin-fied!”  I like the guy and hell, he did deserve the Emmy he won for guest hosting Saturday Night Live.  He was on there so much, they should have just skipped the middleman and made him a regular cast member.  So s*it or get off the pot already, SNL, make the dude a regular so he will have one place to go on a weekly basis.  Speaking of over kill:

Let’s pray that there will be no more Kanye’s interrupts jokes for a while, at least until 30 ROCK or LAW & ORDER works it into their shows.

For the record, Kanye did show up at the Emmys a couple of years ago, milking one of his earlier outbursts that he parlayed for free publicity:

Is it me or does Kanye take over EVERY TV show he appears on?  He’s even pulled the Justin-fied on SNL:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

At this point, he’s about as frequent in his outbursts as Lyme Tick disease outbreaks.

SNL, make Kanye a regular cast member, too. Give him a place where he can work off his crazy on a weekly basis, before he winds up causing World War III or something.

mad-men

One of my favorite shows, MAD MEN, won a second Emmy in a row for best drama and now the world is ready to jump on the bandwagon. And by “the world” I mean Oprah.  Once she and her Soccer Mom Army gets on board, it’s all over for the “underground success” and hello stupid tabloid coverage.

Oprah-with-Jon-Hamm-and-January-Jones-500x333According to the New York Times:

Has the pop-cultural universe just collapsed on itself? The picture you see above is not a Photoshop trick — it’s a scene from a coming episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” in which Ms. Winfrey (arguably the most powerful force in daytime television) meets Jon Hamm and January Jones of “Mad Men” (arguably the most popular television series in our minds).

AMC tells us that on Monday, Ms. Winfrey will broadcast a special episode called “The Oprah Winfrey Show: Oprah Goes Back in Time – The ’60s,” which will feature a 1960s themed set; appearances by Mr. Hamm and Ms. Jones; a performance from “Jersey Boys,” the Four Seasons musical; and a studio audience dressed in period costumes. (Ms. Winfrey is also getting in on the act with an outfit designed by the “Mad Men” costume designer Janie Bryant.)

Yes, even the “Favorite Things” segment will feature what would have been Ms. Winfrey’s favorite items from the 1960s, which we assume will include Utz potato chips, Patio diet soda and salt to put on her ice cream.

This is usually the point when I rip Oprah a new one for her blissful ignoring of certain things like

  • how her ass wouldn’t have been able to afford 60s designer gear
  • the only way if she would have been up on stage at a televison station if she was mopping it after hours
  • or not having some damn Motown represented on the show.

Tell her, Nina!

BUT, this time, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and wait until after the show to diss her.

calra-325x200Maybe the almighty O will have Deborah Lacey, who plays Carla The Maid, on the show to talk about her role AND, most importantly, tell about how her mother was a maid in the 1960s for Bob Denver aka Gilligan of Gilligan Island(!)  Say wha?  Gilligan had a domestic?  Boy, those episodes of the that show would have taken on a whole new meaning if he had one on that island.

I ain't your skipper, sucka and I ain't gonna make you no coconut cream pie either!

I ain't your skipper, sucka and I ain't gonna make you no coconut cream pie either!

Jay-Z may have killed Auto-tune, Jimmy Fallon shut the coffin and buried that bad boy once and for all last night:

Philadelphia: More Crackhouses Than Libraries

...awww sweetie

...awww sweetie, we have to go to New Jersey to get you a book to read.

NOTE: I was exaggerating about there being more crackhouses in Philadelphia than libraries.  There are 3 more libraries in the city than crackhouses.

The past few days, America’s been in a heart-felt swoon over the tender Dad/Daughter moment captured forever on camera when the little girl tossed a foul ball Dad caught at Philadelphia Phillies baseball game back.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a sweet story, the world doesn’t get enough of this kind of stuff…

Okay, Awww Time over, let’s get back to basics.

The sweet Philly Dad/Daughter story has gotten far more play than something that I’ve been totally disgusted about since I first heard about it earlier this week, the threatened closing of every library in the city of Philadelphia.  I didn’t stutter.  Every.Library.In.The.City.  Ben “The Man-Whore” Franklin has got to be spinning in his grave over this.

The following is the text of the notice posted by the Free Library:

All Free Library of Philadelphia Branch, Regional and Central Libraries Closed Effective Close of Business October 2, 2009

All Free Library of Philadelphia Customers,

We deeply regret to inform you that without the necessary budgetary legislation by the State Legislature in Harrisburg, the City of Philadelphia will not have the funds to operate our neighborhood branch libraries, regional libraries, or the Parkway Central Library after October 2, 2009.

Specifically, the following will take effect after the close of business, October 2, 2009:

All branch and regional library programs, including programs for children and teens, after school programs, computer classes, and programs for adults, will be cancelled

All Parkway Central Library programs, including children programs, programs to support small businesses and job seekers, computer classes and after school programs, will be cancelled. We are exploring the possibility of relocating the Philadelphia Author Series programs to other non-library facilities.

All library visits to schools, day care centers, senior centers and other community centers will cease.

All community meetings at our branch and regional libraries, and the Parkway Central Library, will be cancelled.

All GED, ABE and ESL programs held at Free Library branches will be discontinued, students should contact their teacher to see if other arrangements are being made.

In addition, all library materials will be due on October 1, 2009. This will result in a diminishing borrowing period for books and other library materials, beginning September 11, 2009. No library materials will be able to be borrowed after September 30, 2009.

Even as we remain hopeful that the State Legislature will act and pass the enabling funding legislation, we wanted to notify all of our customers of this very possible outcome. If you have any questions about impacts to Free Library services, call 215-686-5322, or visit the Free Library of Philadelphia website at www.freelibrary.org. If you have questions about changes to City services, or if you want to be kept informed about this situation, we encourage you to contact Philly 311 by calling 3-1-1 between the hours of 8am and 8 pm Monday-Friday, and 9am-5pm Saturdays, e-mail philly311@phila.gov, or visit the City of Philadelphia website at http://www.phila.gov.

We thank you for your understanding, patience, and continued support of the Free Library of Philadelphia during these difficult times.

Siobhan Reardon, President and Director, Free Library of Philadelphia

That’s most digusting thing I’ve heard since FLAVOR OF LOVE got the renewed for a second season.

Reading is funk-a-mental, yeah, boyeeeeee!

Reading is funk-a-mental, yeah, boyeeeeee!

But, wait, it’s gets worse:

Besides closing libraries, the (Philadephia mayor, Michael) Nutter administration’s so-called Plan C doomsday budget includes eliminating court-system funding, shutting down all recreation centers and laying off up to 3,000 workers, including police and firefighters.

Layoff notices could go out on Friday if the Legislature does not approve the city’s request for a temporary sales-tax hike and a two-year deferral of payments into the pension fund.

Is it just me or does all this dumb s*it sound like an episode of IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA?  (The Gang Gets Frank Elected Mayor & He Almost Instantly Runs The City Into The Ground)

IASIP

...that reminds me, the 4th season of this great show begins TONIGHT! There's irony for yo' ass.

How did it come to this? Why does it seem the city of Philadelphia’s powers-that-be-doing-something-what-I-don’t-know have said “Fu*k it!  Let’s get out of here and let the Barksdale and Stansfield fight it out and the winner take over this dump”? (Why am I making references to THE WIRE, a show that didn’t even take place in Philly?  Bear with me, kids, ol’ Unca T. Troy will reveal all shortly)

I know that the financial crisis is the favorite excuse but this mess sounds like there were issues in this town long before it got bad everywhere.  Plus, I know the city is getting a good chunk of that Government Stimulus caysh.  So what’s really going on?

It doesn’t help when you have mayors who are more interested in standing in line to be the first to get a IPhone or throwing  a screening party for THE WIRE (see picture below of some of the show’s cast with one of their biggest fans, the goofball mayor dude in the center…see, I told you I would explain all) not because of anything remotely having to do with anything moral (it was a show where the main focus was on crime, corruption and more crime) or the city (the show was set in Baltimore, for crying out loud) but because the Mayor “was a huge fan”. (Plans to have Cylons come to city hall to screen the last episode of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA were cancelled because that would have just been silly)

wirephillyWhere’s Stringer Bell when you really need him?

So now the plan is to threaten to do the unthinkable and hope that somebody blinks and gives them the money they want to pay the bills until the next time the city has f*cked up the budget and needs to make more threats.

vick

Next time, threaten to close the orphanages and sell the kids into slavery in China or get really gangsta and say that you have no choice but to name Philadelphia Eagle Micheal Vick the head of the Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society (PAWS).  You’d then get so much money, you wouldn’t have to worry about the city’s budget for the next 200 years…at least.

CHECK THIS OUT:
#savephillylibraries on Twitter

logoFlp

The Free Libraries Of Philadelphia website

The City Of Philadelphia Facebook Page (I ain’t saying it would be right to bum rush the page and tell the mayor and his flunkies what you think of even threatening to close up the libraries…but I’d understand)

Its always sunny in philadelphia

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia FX website

UPDATE: a few hours after I posted this, the Pennsylvania state senate passed a bill that would save all the jobs and the libraries that were being threatened in Philadelphia.  You’re welcome, Philadelphia.  Now do the right thing and get a mayor in that town who won’t hold threaten to throw public services under the bus with the quickness and find some actual solutions to why your city government is such a clusterf*ck.

In The Mix/September 16

Former-US-President-Jimmy-002

“The president is not only the head of government, he is the head of state,” he said. “And no matter who he is or how much we disagree with his policies, the president should be treated with respect.”–Former President Jimmy Carter

Now if Jimmy Carter is pulling the race card, hey, I’m just saying, you can betcha by golly-wow that nobody knows racism better than a former governor of a state where part of the “Trail Of Tears” began.

Tough luck, Cherokee.  But don't worry, the white man will take care of your land while you die.  Bu-bye, now.

Tough luck, Cherokee. But don't worry, the white man will take care of your land while you die. Bu-bye, now.

Or, more recently, like this week (White Man Punches Black Woman In The Face Outside Of A Cracker Barrel Restaurant In Georgia)

Boy, America,  we are collectively tripping even harder than usual this week starting with Serena Williams wanting to jam a tennis ball down a line judge’s throat to the Cracker Barrel Beat Down.  Sheesh.  Chill the f*ck out already!

Check out Jimmy laying the smack down below.

obama-asleep

Now there’s audio of the President calling Kanye a “jackass”. What’s next, footage of the Prez toilet paper preference?  Somewhere in all the dilly-dally, there’s an official “I’m sowwy” from the tool over at ABC who started all of this by hitting up Twitter with the “scoop” and totally “forgetting” what “off the record means”.  It’s already a looong four years, Mr. President and we’re barely past the half way mark of year one.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “BBC NEWS | Technology | Denmark pulls…“, posted with vodpod

Denmark officials pulled the video above off YouTube after complaints that, well, it made it seem like Denmark is the Land Of The One Night Stands & Frivolous Skanks. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)

Denmark, Detroit says, it could be worse…

Much worse.

In The Mix/September 15

the st. ides of september…beware the Ides Of September…

kanye_west_patrick_swayzeI must have seen about 25 mostly simular variations on this very joke since yesterday afternoon.  Y’all can stop telling it now.  Yeah, it was funny but between Facebook and Twitter, man, everybody’s done heard it within 10 minutes of the first time you said it.

kanyeleno

Speaking of Kanye, that bastion of morals, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY (yeah, I’m being sarcastic) ponders if Jay Leno went too far when he asked Kanye what would his late mother would have said about his act-a-drunken-fool moment at Taylor “Tay-Tay” Swift’s expense at the VMAs the other night.  If Kanye’s mom was anything like my moms (hell, practically anybody’s mom, including Tay-Tay’s) she would have ripped into him like it was Shark Week:

“Go sit your black ass down somewhere because I didn’t raise no damn disrespectful idiot.  You acting even worse than your cousins from Tampa when they stole those pork ribs right off the grill at the family reunion that time…yes, you acting ghetto as hell, boy!  And, while I’m here, when you getting married, huh?  And what’s the deal with that heffa you be hanging out with lately?

amber-rose

auntgladys

Stand down, Gladys, I got this…Is her mama still alive?  What’s wrong with her eyes?  She look like a stunt double from Salem’s Lot.

salems lot 03Everytime I see you two, you either going in or coming out of a department store.  That girl is like fixing an air conditioner in the penthouse suite in Trump Tower, high maintenance, boy.  You need all the money you can get to keep that bedussy on your arm and you gonna go messing that up by running up on a white teenager on national TV.  Is you crazy?  Fool, you had me sweating worse than the last hot link in Al Sharpton’s refrigerator.  We done over come but we ain’t over that much you can bum rush some teenaged country singer like that.  I don’t care how drunk you was, you ain’t never too drunk to get your ass hung.”

Okay, you get the point.

I guess now West is going to take time off to put his ish together. Whatever.

Kanye, dude, do us all a favor, stop blaming your moms dying for you acting a fool so much, you were doing some of that ish before she past away and until folks started booin’ dat ass, you were cool with running around doing stupid s*it and being a silly dick.

I recall when Prince was doing his trippin’ back in the day and doing dumb s*it like becoming THE ARTIST FORMALLY KNOWN AS PRINCE.

Prince20SymbolThat lasted until THE CHECKING ACCOUNT FORMALLY KNOWN AS FULL.  It’s amazing how quick folks will get with the program once them wallets start taking hits.   All that booing and hissing at Kanye got his ass now wanting to chill for a sec.  Indeed.  That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.

samedress

Same dress, huh.  Who wore it better? Well…Hips Don’t Lie. All jokes aside, somebody’s stylist is going to die for not running a check to see who was wearing what.

joe-wilson420-420x0Congress is debating whether Joe Wilson should be “scolded” for loud talking the President Of The United States last week.

*sidebar* When does “off the record” not mean “off the record”?  When you’re the President Of The United States, silly!

The President called the rapper (Kanye West) “a jackass” in an off-the-record comment during a CNBC interview yesterday, but the comment became public when it was tweeted by ABC’s Terry Moran on Twitter, Politico.com reported Monday night.

An ABC statement explains: “ABC News employees prematurely tweeted a portion of those remarks that turned out to be from an off-the-record portion of the interview.”

Back to Massa Joe Wilson; I don’t know what’s to debate, he needs more than a “stern” talking to.  I know some folks who could give a proper attitude adjustment:

booyaatribeBoo-yah.

Finally, the trailer of my favorite Patrick Swayze movie (no it isn’t TO WONG FOO, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING! JULIE NEWMAR not that there’s anything wrong with that…)

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye, You Ignorant Slut…

kanyethetool

Dude, how could you be so heartless? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist)

Last night, the only time I turned away from the stankbomb that was Jay Cutler’s debut with my beloved Chicago Bears (Da Bears!) I turned to the MTV VMAs and this is what I stumbled into:

Sigh.  How bad was this latest “kanyemoment”?

33486PCN_HeiMon

“Congrats @taylorswift13 on your VMA!!! You deserve it more than anyone!! I saw the devil in action when Kanye west stole your mic! U rock!!! @taylorswift13 don’t let that evil steal your thunder!!!!! This is your big night!!”–Heidi Montag

kellie_pickler

“Tator Tot, you handled yourself with Grace. Kanye, go grow some f-ing balls, bi—! don’t mess w/my lil sis!!”–Kellie Pickler

You know you done f*cked up when you can’t even crack a joke at Kellie Pickler and Heidi Montag for taking time out of their sucking and blowing to diss you.

Anyway, never mind with all of that “outrage”.  Kanye says he sowwy:

kanye_west

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Crazy as cats*it on the ceiling.

Anyway, this is a win for everybody, including dumb arsed Kanye.

  • Taylor Swift-How many people know this kid today compared to yesterday?  How many of those people will hit up AmazonMP3, ITunes and/or check out her video for the song she won best video for, YOU BELONG TO ME?  I checked out the video and it’s not a bad song at all and the video reminded me of the movie LOVE & BASKETBALL. Yes, it sucked mightily to have your moment of victory tainted by a “Taint” (medical term: perineum, look it up if you don’t know what that is but I’d suggest you wait ’til you get home because it’s more than likely gonna be NSFW) but don’t cry for lil’ Taylor, her popularity and, most importantly, her checking account is gonna be so phat from this mess that AIG will be trying to get at her for a loan.  Besides, when you get dissed by a black man, girl, you instantly get symphathic hood status with the sistas because “they understand, gurl, they understand!”
  • Beyonce– classy move calling Tay-Tay (official hood nickname) up to finish her speech before she was so rudely interrupted. 
    And how conquincidental that Tay-Tay & Beyo were matching in their red dresses? ladies in redIf I was these two, I would be heading to the studio to do a duet ASAP to caysh in on this “drama” before somebody else does something stupid:

    lady gaga

    D'oh! WTF is going on? Aww, but, at least, she's wearing red, too.

  • Twitter–2 seconds after this all jumped off, everybody and their Moms was tweetin’ their digust.  Between Twitter and TMZ, who needs crap like MSNBC or Fox News?
  • Serena Williams–serenaif it wasn’t for Kanye, all everyone would be talking about today was how “Serena was gonna choke a bitch”.
  • Kanye & MTV–for those of you who are demanding that Kanye gets thrown into the trunk of a car kanye in the trunkand beaten with a shovel, slow down.  You don’t think that MTV wouldn’t have shut this Boo Boo The Fool down years ago if they thought he was such a problem?  Kanye’s crazier than Joe Wilson on a good day but he sells papers and gets the entire nation to ignore resessions and Middle East wars and talking the next day about how insane he is.  KanyeAmberIt’s only a matter of time now before MTV locks up this cooky bastard in a Diddy type deal and let him and Amber spit out as much crazy as they want instead of sending him to re-hab where he really belongs.  I shouldn’t say that dude is crazy because he knows who he can pull crap like this on.  Yeah, Kanye, youse a big man, bum rushing a skinny teenaged country singer, I betcha you wouldn’t try that on somebody who would kick.that.ass.  Where’s the Boo-Yaa Tribe when you really need’em?

    booyaatribe

    Please try to run up and diss Boo-Yaa Tribe, Kanye...please????

The only real losers in all of this is We, The People for constantly allowing ourselves to be bamboozled/sucked in by chumps like Kanye, thinking that they are more than the glorified karaoke singers that they are.

Oh, and Michael Jackson takes an “L”  because, once again, a tribute to the King Of Pop was ruined by some “dumb nigg@ sh*t”.