R. Kelly To Write Memoirs — We Have Exclusive Leaked Excerpts

R&B R. Kelly is preparing to enter into a media realm.  As reported elsewhere, R. Kelly will be preparing to write his memoirs.  In a blockbuster Chubby Afro/Shut’cher Gobbige Mowf EXCLUSIVE, we have acquired leaked first drafts of some of this explosive tome.

R. Kelly (born Robert Sylvester Kelly) begins by telling the world what drew him to the cut-throat, lucrative, and intense business of being an entertainer:

Kelz and his humble beginnings

Very telling.  Very telling.

In this yet-untitled memoir, Kelly also explains the creative process behind his hit R&B opera, “Trapped In The Closet, Parts 1 through Infinity”:

Kelly details the intense creative process behind "Trapped In The Closet"

The piece-de-resistance of the leaked excerpts is next.  Finally free to speak his mind about the child pornography charges that have dogged him for years, Kelly uses his memoir to express exactly how that infamous night went down.  Kelly breaking his silence on this issue is incredible.  Simply incredible:

R. Kelly finally breaks his silence on the charges that he faced.

We expect that this memoir will set the literary world aflame.

Stay tuned, as we may have more exclusive excerpts in the near future.

When Friends & Family Go Too Far…

Officers Shot

As the Monday Morning Quarterbacking/Fingerpoint/Youdiditnoyoudidit accusations, lies and/or truths behind the horrible executions of four Washington state police officers begin in earnest now that the alleged suspect, Maurice Clemmons (aka Mike Huckabee’s Willie Horton) has been found dead (or sent on his way to Hell with some assistance, hey, we’re in a recession and I’m always down for saving the taxpayer’s hard earned cash), this caught my attention:

Clemmons had stayed on the run for nearly two days with help from a network of friends and family who gave him places to stay, medical aid, rides and money, police said. On Monday, officers detained a sister of Clemmons who they think treated the 37-year-old suspect’s gunshot wound.

“We believe she drove him up to Seattle and bandaged him up,”

Say what now? Aww, comeon, really?  What the?  Somebody been watching THE WIRE, too much.

Who can that be knockin' at my door?  Go away, don't bother me no more!

Who can that be knockin' at my door? Go away, don't bother me no more!

Let me get this straight; some dude I know/or am related to, just killed four police officers in cold blood comes knocking on my door looking for sanctuary like I’m the Catholic Church? Saying “you can’t stay here” is putting it mildly. I don’t give a flying f*ck off a high dive if you’re my Mom, you do as much as jaywalk, I’m looking at you like you’re crazy, you kill four human beings, “sorry, Mom, but you gotta go. You’re going down, lady.”

Aww hell naw! Cousin Maurice wouldn’t have gotten as much as a band aid from me. GET THE F*CK OUTTA HERE is what he would have got. I can’t do nuttin’ for you, man. I can’t be around anybody bad like you, I don’t even want to be around kids who break their toys, why the f*ck do you think I would want a career criminal like you in my country, nevermind my family. I am loyal to my family but I ain’t a fool. You f*cks to this magnitude, lose my number, don’t be up in the courtroom calling my name because I will straight disown you.

And before some jackass over at Fox News starts up with the gangsta rap connection and the code of the streets nonsense;

don’t tell me s*it about “don’t snitch”, “be true to the game” and “keepin’ it real”.

Let me tell you something, 90% of Black America isn’t on that bulls*it, okay? We want the same s*it that the rest of America wants, a good job, a nice house, food on the table, clothes on our backs, our sons to be good boys and our daughters not bring home Tracy Morgan.

Tracy MorganWe don’t want no f*ckin’ trouble, bottom line. Maurice Clemmons was trouble and he was troooooble for a looooong time. Most of Black America would have been wrote this dude off back in the 20th Century. I don’t know anyone who would have done anything short of calling S.W.A.T. on Cousin Maurice had he come a-knocking on their door whining “yo, man, I’ve been shot”. Take your ass to the hospital, then and stop getting blood on my welcome mat, bye!

I hope that the “network of friends and family” who helped keep this dead jackass on the run for two days are all found out and thrown in jail for that bullsh*t.

I blame rap music (as usual):

Dumb asses.