This woman, Kellee Stewart should so be Olivia Pope’s older sister, no, wait, evil fraternal twin sister. Yeah, that’s ticket….
Am I the only one who sees the resemblance? You’re welcome, ABC.
- The team is staring at the Jump Off as she sits nervously in the conference room of the Office. It’s their thing. They’re deciding whether to keep as a client, but Olivia quickly squashes that shit because it’s her gig. Plus that trick slept with her man. Bump that.
- I see that Abby’s over her anger with Finch for sleeping with call girls. She’s borderline nuts.
- We get a quick montage that sets up the case of the week, a spoiled brat son who’s mother (one of Olivia’s friends) is trying to get him off of rape. Wee. The scene is set to Curtis Mayfield’s Superfly. Super.
- Hey, it’s Booger from the Revenge Of The Nerds movies and he’s a lawyer! Good for you, Booger!
- The President sleeps in, Mandela got up, the President slept in. The First Lady thinks that the Prez needs some sleep. She seems a little…I don’t know, sinister? The Prez ain’t sleeping, I wouldn’t be sleeping either with preggo jump offs and ex-soulmates teaming up to get in that ass.
- Merideth, Jr. seems like she takes espresso enemas on the regular, she so high strung.
- Gideon shows up at the office and Merideth, Jr freaks out because she thinks this show is all about her. Gideon ain’t there for you, Cray Ass, move, girl. Olivia called him in because she promises him a interview with Jump Off if he holds off the story for 72 hours.
- It looks like Merideth Jr. and lame ass news reporter Gideon are gonna “do it”. I hope those dummies don’t have babies.
- Olivia shows up at lunch with Cyrus and the Chief of Staff who is really enjoying his shrimp scampi. So much so that when Olivia wants to speak to Cyrus, he don’t want to leave his scampi. But he leaves it, reluctantly. Olivia tells Cyrus that Jump Off wants 15 minutes with Prez and Cyrus tells Olivia that Prez ain’t sleeping. Olivia says it ain’t her problem and she ain’t sleeping either. Aww, Love causes Insomnia. Olivia and Cyrus both eat some of the shrimp scampi. Chief Of Staff should have taken it with him.
- The hacker dude is named Huck Finn? Seriously?
- We see Prez with some war vets and he gushes and anguishes over them. Oh, so we’re building character here by making the Prez out to be a caring American who wants the best for the country, nevermind him being a man whore, slanging dick all over the White House. But, soon enough, Cyrus and Prez are cracking jokes about other Prez’s who fucked around. Nasty. Fumigate that place when he’s gone, willya?
- Olivia wants the mom to pay off the woman who was raped by her bum ass son. Come on, Olivia didn’t just say that did she?
- Olivia gets the rape victim’s attorney to settle for 9 million. The rape victim don’t want no damn money! She wants that asshole who raped her to go to jail. Fuck yeah, fuck him! She gets to Olivia, with a passionate speech,duh. Olivia has already proven that it doesn’t take much to get her to come out of her hard core you go girl mode.
- Merideth, Jr. says “lose” and that triggers the second passionate speech of the episode, Olivia goes on about not ever losing or something. She should have just slapped Merideth, Jr.
- The spoiled brat rapists proves that, duh, he’s a rapist. Asshole.
- Cyrus plays a CD for the Prez. He has the same look on his face that I usually do whenever I listen to 98% of Nicki Minaj songs. Turns out that it’s audio of the Prez knockin’ boots with Jump Off. Cyrus is trying hard to put the tape on Olivia, but the Prez ain’t trying to hear that. That’s his fucking Boo! She loves he! But Cyrus succeeds in putting that “Olivia did it” bug in his head.
- Black Himbo Lawyer Harrison tries to put the mack daddy flirt on a lab assistant. That may work on a video shoot but not with this intelligent black woman who wants justice for women who are rape victims. No flirt needed.
- The First Lady invites Olivia to some grub and drank function at the White House and didn’t even wait to hear Olivia’s answer. Guess we’re going out for dinner.
- Merideth, Jr. calls up and sets up a date with Gideon with her spastic ass. Huck hears her phone call and calls her weird or some shit and says he likes weird, as he walks off. Fucking Huck.
- So date time: Merideth, Jr. gets an assist from Huckleberry: Let your hair down, show that cleavage, you drink virgin margaritas, hey bartender load her date’s drink up…huh? Isn’t this episode about date rape? Fucking Huck.
- Oh snap, turns out the spoiled brat rapist paid off a girl years ago and that girl committed suicide. Her best friend, who found her BFF dead to the world and hell bent on revenge (not the show) tried to set the rapist up by changing the color of her hair, because Rape Boy likes ‘em blond, having consensual sex and calling it rape. Booger The Lawyer eats her ass up like catfish on the witness stand and Olivia, not wanting to watch the carnage, goes out and has a small cry with Rape Boy’s mom in the hall. Mom cries that she raised a spectacularly shitty ass son and Olivia tells her that it ain’t her fault her kid is a spoiled piece of shit. They both soft sob. End scene.
- Dinner time. Olivia is looking smashing in a white dress and she gets hit on by the creepy ass Chief Of Staff while they dance, “I’m trying to figure out how I can sexually harass you and get away with it.” Ew, you shrimp scampi eatin’ motherfucker, ew.
- It’s so obvious that the First Lady is trying to hook up Prez and Olivia, I mean get them to dance. That chick is up to something.
- Well this is getting awkward, Prez is trying to get his slow drag on, Olivia is like, “come on, Son, your wife is right over there!” Prez don’t curr, Prez don’t give a fuck, he just takes what he wants. He wants her to meet him in “their spot” in 10 minutes. Olivia tries to fight it, but you know she going, sprung ass.
- On her way to “their spot”, Cyrus cock blocks them by telling Olivia that she’s being set up by the “best politician in the world” and no 15 minutes for the Jump Off and has Secret Service escort her out. Then Cyrus goes out to “their spot” which turns out to be the Rose Garden, and tells the Prez that Olivia been gaming him. Prez gets all butt hurt and leaves and Cyrus kinda smirks. He’s a dastardly bitchass, that one.
- Olivia, after being thrown out of the White House, again. Heads over to her girl, the mom of Rape Boy, to tell her, “hey bitch, you know I’ve been thinking about it and, yeah, it is your fault that your son is a piece of shit because you keep enabling the fucker and letting him get away will all kinds of fuckery when you know that he don’t really love me…um, I mean, your son ain’t shit!” So the next day they confront Rape Boy and tell him he needs to do the right thing and confess to raping that girl back in the day. Shit, you know Rape Boy ain’t trying to hear that! He don’t care if he caused a women to kill herself, he thinks a couple of years in Europe will fix things. Uh huh. Mom knows her Rape Boy and after he says that he did rape her, the cops have heard enough and come in and arrest Rape Boy. Good. Slimy bastard.
- The morning after, Prez is pouting about Olivia when First Lady comes in. He confronts her about inviting Olivia and First Lady sez,”Because I know you needed to see her. Tonight you’ll sleep like a baby.” Oh my damn, thangs done got all Bill and Hillary up in this piece!
- Olivia doesn’t deliver Jump-Off to Gideon, she gives him better, an exclusive interview with Rape Boy’s Mom to tell her side of the story about her enabled ass piece of shit son. Gideon likes this and he takes the bait. Dumb ass. All the while, Meredith Jr. is waving at him like a love sick puppy. Girl, go sit your spastic ass down, somewhere!
- Olivia goes over to the Jump-Off’s house and gives her the Olivia pep talk and says she’s got her back and all that jazz but they need to put it all out on the table. After whining about needing just 5 minutes instead of 15 and before Olivia can tell her she ain’t getting no minutes, Jump Off tells her that she’s pregnant.
- You know, it was so obvious that she was pregnant, my mind just assumed that everybody knew that from the first episode. Now has she said she was born a dude or killed a puppy last week, that would have been a shocker. But this? not in the least.
I give this episode a 4 even though it doesn’t really deserve it but was so filled with all kinds of dysfunctional fuckery, that it cancelled out the awful.
I give Olivia’s lips a 3.5, not enough close-ups this week.
I give Meredith, Jr. the finger. Cray ass.
I started watching Scandal and I’ll be giving Random Thoughts on each episode, starting with the second episode.