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THE 2009 BET AWARDS/A Black On Black Crying Shame Part 2

..continued from HERE

If you take away the segments of the show that actually had anything to do with Michael Jackson being honored, there wouldn’t be much left. I am not including Jamie Foxx’s opening. That was a synopsis of every King Of Pop comedian skit done since MJ was a authentic Negro. Speaking of Negro…

“No need to be sad. We want to celebrate this black man’s — this black man. He belongs to us, and we shared him with everybody else. They talking about what he looks like in the media. It don’t make a difference what he looked like. Am I right? It was all about what he sounded like.”–Jamie Foxx

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Um….well? To be honest, I don’t even think MJ liked his own DNA. He was so scared of his kids getting that Tito nose that he didn’t even want his sperm to taint whomever eggs it was that were used to make them kids that he claimed as his. “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white”, wasn’t just a song lyric for MJ, that was the way he lived his life, right down to procreation...I’m just saying.

Before Foxx made that comment, it wasn’t nothing but love coming from the media about Jackson. The Race Card Handbook Rule #666 clearly states:

Thou shalt not giveth Fox News thine opening to “goeth there”. Giveth Fox a foot, thine harlots shall taketh a whole damneth football field.

Case in point.

There was a racial cease fire in effect on MJ and Jamie went and blew that one all to hell. I knew it wasn’t going to last forever, I learned my lesson about America joining hands around the fire and singing songs of Peace and that lasting forever after 911. That lasted about three weeks and we were all back to being assholes to one another. But, dammit, Jamie, don’t just invite FOX NEWS in to take a free shot. Make Bill O’Reilly work for that hate spew, man!

….click HERE for more thrilling stuff…well not so much (here’s a hint, it’s more of me bitching and moaning)

The 2009 BET AWARDS/A Black On Black Crying Shame Part 1…

NOTE: I spent the last few days putting into words how I felt about the travesty “tribute” that B.E.T. claimed they re-vamped their awards show into to pay homage to Michael Jackson. Always skeptical of Black Entertainment Television’s claim to serve black America just because they’re the largest black network in America, I gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Stupid me. What follows is a three-part (yeah, I had a lot to say) word spew about my thoughts on the whole affair.–TTS

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“Michael Jackson was so important to our world, to our country, to this network.  Michael was truly a musical diety.”–BET Chairwoman Debra L. Lee

AND THIS HOW YOU PAY HOMAGE?

BET Awards Show

Vodpod videos no longer available.

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The B.E.T. (Black Embarrassment Entertainment Television) Network found itself in a prime opportunity to pimp their horrible new programming the unenviable position of being the first “major” awards program to be held after the death of entertainment legend, Michael Jackson.

Aw, Hell naw!  I knew that this wouldn't end well...

Aw, Hell naw! I knew that this wouldn't end well...

To quote the late, great, Robin Harris, “It’s not that I’m psychic, I just KNOW”, hot dammit, I just KNEW that this was setting up to be a clusterf*ck of Epic proportions.

Then my feminine side spoke up and check’d my ego, “Man, you are such a hatin’, cynical, just down right grumpy sumb*tch.  You need to quit jumping the gun on everything.  Shut your mouth, for once in your miserable life, and let things play out.  You just might be surprised.”

After the show, I sent that old girl a restraining order.  That b*tch don’t know what the hell she talking about.  She’s been hanging out in me for years.  You hang around an asshole long enough, some s*it is bound to rub off on you.  Anyway…

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The BET Awards have been around for 9 years and for the majority of those years, I always found myself wondering the same thing, “Do these motherf*ckerseven watch other award shows?”  It’s like AmateurHour at the local NBC affiliate in Bugtussle, TN.  

You would have thought that no one at BET had ever seen a television camera, teleprompter, sound board or had a cohesive plan on how a show is run.  Just go for it and if it works, eh, it works, what do they care, it’s just B.E.T.  No one but the Negroes watch it and who cares what they really think about us, they’ll just keep watching, because, you know, they’re idiots.

I can take a hint, you could care less what some brotha out there (who’s been out of that coveted 17-34 demograpic that you so want to sucker get to watch your shows).  I had no plans whatsoever to watch the 2009 carnage unfold.  Then MJ passed away and B.E.T. told the world that they were turning their Awards show into a tribute.  Sigh.

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We don't kurr, we just here to par-tay....

B.E.T. usually employs the THROW ANY S*IT THAT WILL STICK mentality to these shows and that tactic, along with the “Today’s R&B/Hip Hop Coonery Crowd mixed in, you best believe your sweet arse that you will have some things that will stand out.  This year’s award show was no exception.

BET Awards Insider

The grown ass Negroes in their “formal” T-Shirt and Ball Cap gear, I can tell it’s formal because he ain’t bent his brim.

BET Awards Arrivals

What the hoe, now?  Who’s child is this?  Did you not get the memo?  This is supposed to be classy, girl! Where is the rest of that damn dress!  Come on now, this sh*t ain’t even appropriate when someone hasn’t died, gawd damn, have thee no shame?r836006010

I wondered if Keri Hilston thought that somebody from the movie GREASE had died when I first saw this get up.  I was screaming at the TV screen, SING HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU!  SING HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOOOOOOUUU!

BET Awards Arrivals

I’m still mad at Zoe Saldana’s performance in the latest STAR TREK film, but I was happy to see her and Original Recipe Uhura, Nichelle Nichols at the show.  Even though the bootleg producers and tipsy arsed host, Jamie Foxx, left her hanging when her and Nichelle’s time to step up to the podeum came and nature called Nichelle to the loo to poo.  I guess I can blame it on the alcohol, huh?

BET Awards Insider

If there is a high profile tragedy with mass media saturation, you know the Civil Rights TMZ Squad of Sir Pompedor (Al Sharpton, above) and his absent partner in racial ponzi scheming, Jesse “Baby Grandpa” Jackson will be where the action is, abusing the privilege to get a seat at the festivities.

BET Awards InsiderI rest my case.

BET Awards Press Room

Why is this man smiling….nevermind.

BET Awards Press Room

No truth to the rumors that Jeremy Piven was at the BET Awards researching to take over the Judd Nelson role in NEW JACK CITY II–THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.

BET Awards Show

B.E.T. this is your big night and you’re telling me that there was no way you could have locked the fool sporting the BIG ASS CHAIN, in a hall closet or given his driver instructions to keep going past the Watts Towers and then head north until you’re in the city far west than Los Angeles (that would be Reno, Nevada for those of you keeping score…true story, Google it)

pimpisezOf course, no BET Awards show would not be complete with out a pimp sighting…

BET Awards Show

…Or some kind of inappropriation of children, children who shouldn’t be there in the first place.  Ahh, but who gives a rat’s arse, it’s just B.E.T., right?

Click here for PART DOS…

A Few(Thousand)Words about the “New” Star Trek (Spoilers Dead Ahead, Cap’n)

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I am a Trek fan.

There I said it.

This is the part where I would usually dive into a long ass personalized story about what Trek means to me, how I’ve never seen STAR WARS because I couldn’t take the Death Star seriously with that stupid hole in the middle of it, a couple of photon torpedoes and game over, Death Star, game over and how you should have been watching all those years so Hollywood wouldn’t feel that they needed to overhaul the franchise because…

See, there I go. Breathe.  Just give the review.  Breathe, unclench the anus, give the review.

The New Star Trek should make for a fantastic roller coaster ride at Six Flags.  You better get your popcorn ready because the party gets started right after the previews and it doesn’t really let up until the end credits (when, for us classic Trek fans, we FINALLY get the classic “Space…The Final Frontier Trek opening.)

There is a scene early in the movie that I initially thought wasn’t really needed. Young James T. Kirk has just taken a “ancient” 1960’s muscle car for a joy ride. He’s speeding down the highway, heeding (Product Placement Alert!) a call on the 22nd Century Nokia car phone from the angry owner not to wreck his car. Kirk hangs up on the angry voice and puts on Sabatage by The Beastie Boys (more symbolism for your ass).

Kirk zooms past a classmate who is walking on the side of the road, an early sign of the “hey, look at me, I’m an attention whore” mentality that is the template of the future Captain Kirk. The good times are just beginning when Kirk takes a look in the rear view mirror and sees that he’s being chased by robot cop on a flying cycle. Young Kirk, instead of pulling over and giving up, goes into evasive maneuvers and the chase is on.

Man, that's a big ass hole in Iowa.  I blame global warming.

Man, that's a big ass hole in Iowa. I blame global warming.

The chase is brief due to our young hero driving the 20th Century relic into a deep canyon (in Iowa, Kirk’s home state? nah, maybe a ravine, yeah, a ravine) but seconds before he leaps out of the car as it begins its fall towards oblivion. Yeah, that will show you how much of a bad ass Kirk is and something more (in my opinion).

You're outta here confusing, complex Star Trek history!

You're outta here confusing, complex Star Trek history!

Being a fan of J.J. Abrams, the man responsible for New Trek, other work, such as TV series ALIAS, LOST, FRINGE and the movie CLOVERLEAF (no comment about MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III or FELICITY), I know that he rarely wastes a scene without having a reason. This scene seems pretty simple to figure out. Kirk in the old car (the original series) being chased by the new, the future, represented by the robot cop. The screaming voice on the product placed phone being the loyal fans issuing a warning not to damage the old car. Then the car going over a deep hole in the ground, never to be seen again but Kirk leaping to safety, avoiding the abyss.

J.J. Abrams mission was to make Trek more accessible to the rest of the free world.

In other words, get rid of that Old School Muscle Car of a show. It looks great, it’s powerful, a classic. But the reality is that it really doesn’t handle that well, is a gas guzzler, costs more to upkeep than its “worth” and only a few diehards refuse to let go. So do what you have to but get rid of the old girl, save only the parts that you can salvage and give those old diehards enough of an insurance settlement to pacify, um, satisfy their cravings for the good times that they once shared with their old classic.  Moving on.

In between the ACTION there’s a old Trek staple, the time-travel plot.  If you want to see the time travel plot worked classic Trek style, check out…just about 50% of the TV series episodes and at least two of the last big screen movies.  The Star Trek series made Time Travel it’s bitch.  Everybody had their turn with Time Travel.  Used and abused more than Andy Warhol using spray paint, Time Travel was the ultimate plot device.  You wrote yourself into a stupid situation on Trek, pull the Time Travel card, BAM!   You put Baby in a corner?  BAM!  Time Travel!  Mulligan!  Do over!  Time Travel, son, Time Travel will straighten this mess out.  Thank you.

This time, however, things get really funkified, this time for good and quicker than you can say WOW, YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO IGNORE OVER 40 YEARS OF TIME TRAVEL STORIES THAT ALWAYS, ALWAYS WORKED OUT IN THE END TO CLEAN THE SLATE AND DO YOUR OWN THING JUST SO YOU CAN GET A BUNCH OF NEW, DUMB ASSED ACTION MOVIE FANS WHO DON’T KNOW THEIR PHASERS FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND, REALLY? REALLY?

YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, THESE SCHMUCKS JUST JUST MADE THE DEAD IN THE WATER THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS SERIES ANOTHER 300 MILLION WORLDWIDE AND GUARANTEED ANOTHER SEQUEL AND ALL THEY HAD TO DO IS TAKE OUT “THE” FROM THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE.

“This movie is something like Armageddon + Fast and Furious with a little touch of some romance and humorous scene”

KIDS.  YOU GOTTA LOVE’EM.

THESE ARE THE “FANS” YOU WANT TO SNATCH UP THEIR EASY TO TAKE FUNDS FROM?

Actually, that’s not a bad idea.  It’s just been done before.  We can call this alternate reality Trek, Ultimate Trekverse!  Brian Micheal Bendis is gonna sue!

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The new, fresh and so clean Ultimate Trekverse is, as stated earlier, heavy on the action.  So much so that some of the big plot holes and somewhat confusing explaination of why things aren’t like they should be due to the ALTERNATE TIMELINE angle aren’t given time for you to go “What?  Wait a minute” before there’s more ACTION!  The comic relief has been kicked up a notch (Letting the tongue twisted Checkov tell the crew why they are on a mission to “Wulcan”; Kirk allergic reaction to a vaccine as he runs to tell Captain Pike that there’s danger ahead all the while Dr. McCoy sticks him in the neck with attempted cures; the crew being saved from certain disaster by Mr. Sulu’s forgetting to release the Starfleet’s version of the parking brake, the classic Red Shirt Away Team member not making it back on the ship alive, if at all; anything involving Scotty and his Ewok-like assistant)…speaking of the crew…

The core members of the old series are all accounted, young Checkov (Anton Yelchin) with his Boris & Natasha Cold War accent.   Mr. Sulu (John Cho of Harold & Kumar Goes To White Castle fame…I swore that I saw Kumar in a crowd scene…nah! no way, right?) is still quiet yet he gets in on the ACTION in one of the movie’s best scenes.  As I discussed earlier, eventually finding his way on board and to his post in Engineering is Gruff but loveable Montgomery “Scotty” Scott (Simon Pegg), or I should say, less gruff, more pep, like he’s on uppers or something (wonder if they have drug testing in the 23rd Century?).   Lt. Uhuru (Zoe Saldana) who’s, um…more about her later.

Of course, you would have to have Bones along for the ride.   Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy (Karl Urban) more than anyone else in the movie, captured the spirt and vibe of their counterpart in the original series.   Urban makes his version of Dr. McCoy as paranoid and digusted by the germs around him as DeForrest Kelley’s Dr. McCoy was appalled by the practitioners of barbaric 20th century treatments” while walking through a 1980s era hospital in Star Trek IV.  I’m nominating Urban for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar just for nailing the “Dammit, man, I’m a doctor not a mathematian!” line.

Then there’s Kirk & Spock, the heart and logical soul of everything that is Trek.

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In this new Ultimate Trek, Kirk (Chris Pine) is still Kirk.  Since we’ve never seen a Kirk this young, it’s easy to imagine that he would be one cocky SOB, not scared of a thing and willing to take on all comers.  The Rebel.  The Badass. The Jerk.  The Hero.

Abrams did the right thing by not tampering too much with the Kirk Formula.    Kirk is a dick and that is his superpower.

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The biggest change was with Mr. Spock.  Calm, cool and collected aren’t the only things that apply to our guy any longer.   Young Mr. Spock is a Vulcan on the core but underneath, his half Human DNA is all man and, baby, he’s open for business.   Say something about his Human mother if you want to, this Spock will open up a can of Whoop Ass on you.  You can push his buttons,  Jim Kirk, and you will get choked slamed all over the main deck.   Kirk still gets the girls, “even the green ones”,

Kirk Wuz Here

Kirk Wuz Here

now Spock’s getting in on the action.

Spock Love

Space, the Horny Frontier just ain’t Captain Kirk’s romper room anymore.

Sure Spock always kicked ass and got the Vulcan Seven-Year Itch aka Pon-Farr but he was/is calm behind the Kirk storm.  Spock’s one of the greatest wingmen, ever.

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Spock Prime (the original Spock (Leonard Nimoy) the only remnant of the Trek We Once Knew that remains, now as a Guru/Guide to Ultimate Trek) logically (of course) informs Spock 2.0 (who really doesn’t like Kirk all that much, hell, who can blame him, the guy is a dick) at the movie’s end is that together they can/will be great, alone, not so much.

So Spock 2.0 swallows that Vulcan pride and takes his side by the Johnny Knoxville Of Space and lo, a old classic has been watered down for 21st Century mass consumption re-vamped for the…Next Generation.

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There are a lot of changes in Ultimate Trekverse.  But there are somethings that painfully remain the same.  The classic IN LIVING COLOR sketch, THE WRATH OF FARRAKHAN put it best:

Spock is the strongest and most intelligent mofo in Starfleet, yet he’s only second in command.  Spock played a major part in taking out the movie’s big bad, showed big guts in his rescue of the Vulcan elders yet Kirk gets the ship and the crew and Spock gets #2.  That’s shit, yo.  But he does get Uhura.  So he’s got that going for him. Now about Uhura…

For obvious reasons, I have always wanted to see Uhura DO SOMETHING besides call Starfleet or look pensive as the rest of the crew did something dangerous.

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Back when the original Trek series aired, Nichelle Nichols (original Uhura) didn’t really have much choice in the matter of how she was portrayed.  Yet her role was a trend setter for women on Television in general and African American women in particular.   Times were much different then.  It was a slam dunk, I thought, that in this new movie, Uhura would provide a much more important role.

WRONG.

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43 years later, give or take a day or two and Uhura is STILL the “Chocolate Fantasy”.  That was harsh.

She’s always been as cool as she is sexy and now she’s involved in a romantic storyline.  Okay, that’s fine and I found it to be touching.  It would have been fantastic if she had more to do.  Yet all she had to do is run from Kirk’s advances while she was running after Spock and getting her suck face on.  I take that back, she did flash some “attitude” (sigh, all that was missing was a neck roll and “don’t make me read you” fingersnap) when she didn’t get assigned the ship she wanted to be on in the Starship Trooper-ish pre-battle scene.  (I will admit that I found the movie’s running joke about finding out what her first name, never mentioned on the original series, amusing.  It’s Nyota for those of you keeping score.)

Nichelle Nichols on Ebony as Lt. Uhura

Back when the character was created, it was to show that the future had moved past things as race being a major issue.   The irony of the show being created in the 1960s, during a major change in American race relations.  Uhura was a background player for most of the original series run, the execption being the infamous kissing scene with Kirk.  Nichols wanted to quit the show due the lack of anything for her to do and was persuaded against doing so by none other than Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. because she was a role model for the Black Community.  She was an inspiration, indeed.

Abrams with Saldana on the New Trek set.

Abrams with Saldana on the New Trek set.

I expected to see an different Uhura in the New Trek.  J.J. Abrams has created some of the strongest, toughest women on Television over his career and I thought it would be a slam dunk that my girl would be more than just a communications officer.    Women certainly do more nowadays.   Some even fight and die in combat.  I just knew that Uhura was going to bring the pain!

Never thought that I would see an Abrams version of Uhura acting more like a David E. Kelley (TV writer who doesn’t have a clue how to write for black characters, especially black women) version of Uhura.  Lovestruck and on the sidelines for the most part.  Yeah she starts off a cadet and gets a battlefield promotion to Communications Officer in warp speed time but if she knew like I know, she wouldn’t be there long.  Girl, that is a dead-end position.  You best get on the good foot and find something else.

The upside is that Abrams did the tough job of reviving Trek without pissing off old diehards, like me, (too much.) and gaining a whole bunch of new ACTION movie fans.  (He deserves Nobel Peace Prize nomination for that, alone.)

So he will have at least three more films before he gets tired of hauling loot from the set to his vault in his mansion.  I hope that one of the things that he takes care of bringing Lt. Nyota Uhura from 1966 to the 21st Century, inspiring the…Next Generation (I can’t resist) of girls out there.  Let her fly the ship, shoot a Klingon, go down to Engineering and replenish the Dilithium Crystals in the warp engine…SOMETHING!  Or the only thing she’ll be inspiring is tomorrow’s Space groupies.

Man, I got so caught up in this that I didn’t even make one Commander Madea joke.
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