She’s Just Had A Kid & She’s Getting A Divorce…

I guess that there is some kind of divorce stuff going on with Christina Milian and her soon to be ex, The Dream.  He don’t want to be with her no mo’, he cheated on her, she sucks as an American  or something to that effect.

Let me tell you something…SOME things are worth fighting for. I don’t know how crazy she may be or how mean, but I would be trying to resolve our issues.

The Milian Bend

Um, she's flex-able...work that man right out of your system, gurl...

Oh my.country.tis.o.thee

Dream, you sir, are a fool.

Before I go on, allow me to get this out of my system:

hooooh…aiiieeeeeee…She looks f*cking fantastic! A-F*CKING-MEN…
this heffa is making me moist all up in the mouth…hamamna…Mary, Sweet mother of Jesus on the main line, TELL EM WHAT YOU WANT…OOOH CALL EM UP AND TELL EM WHAT YOU WANNNNNNT!

Thank you.

You know that saying, “for every good looking woman, there’s a man out there that’s tired of f*ckin’ her”? Well, I ain’t f*cked her so I ain’t tired of her. If I ever get that tired, I will go take a nap.

Oh, hush up, Aunt Gladys!

Oh, I know what some of you will think; “Look at that dirty old man, lusting”…
You got d*mn right I’m lustin’, just like any red-blooded heterosexual (and a few gay) men would if they came across Christina stretching and flexin’ for cameras in the park like that.  As far as publicity stunts go, my compliments to the chef.

I can also hear the jeers from the young “brothas” out there:

Young & Dumb“Yo, old man, you just don’t understand…”

You right I don’t understand and I never want to understand that s*it.  A woman that flexible, that thick, that buttery?

Like I said earlier, I don’t know what her problem is, nor do I understand what kind of issues that he has but I would be like Moses, wandering in the desert 40 years, trying to figure it out.

Ah, youth is wasted on the wrong people!”

I’m hip, Grandpa, I heard that.

(ironically enough, The Dream is 41, I don’t know why he acting like he’s gonna have a Sinatra-type career and will be working Vegas in the year 2052 because the odds are very good that we won’t even remember that he even had a career in five years unless Amazon.com has one of those 5 mp3s for a buck sales and one of his tracks in the cyber buck bin, nevermind that he was once married to a fine specimen of “womanity” (my word, I just made it up, if Sarah Palin can make up words, so can I) like Christina Milian.

CHECK IT OUT:

The rest of the Milian “spread”

Christina Milian’s US AGAINST THE WORLD

Stevie Wonder’s cover of The Beatles WE CAN WORK IT OUT

The Republican National Committee Announces Its Candidate For 2012

In a surprise move, the Republican National Committee has selected its candidate for the 2012 Presidential Race. Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, made the announcement at the Fox News-sponsored “Socialist Obama Must Be Stopped” rally in Savannah, Georgia. The rally, which had participants numbering in the dozens, included key Republican figures such as former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, commentators Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, resident court Glenn Beck, and spokesghoul Ann Coulter.

Mike Steele's Big Announcement

The announcement began after Steele did a stirring rendition of “Dixie”, with Alan Keyes singing back-up. When Steele finished singing, he took to the podium with the news.

“Ladies and gentlemen, great people of the United States! You are all great Americans, and like you, I don’t like where the country is headed. We are on an unmistakable path towards socialism, and the American people were hoodwinked into voting for a celebrity to lead us! I have spoken with the leaders of the the Republican Party, including Boss of all Bosses, Rush Limbaugh, Emperor Dick Cheney, and the Dark Lord of Propaganda, Karl Rove. They have given me permission to agree with them on who best to wrest the control of the government from that Marxist Socialist Communist ni– er… Community Organizer in 2012! We came close with our stirring campaign with Palin/McCain, and all of the real Americans in the real parts of America have spoken. In order to take back control in 2012, we must act now! That’s why we, the Republican Party, the G.O.P., the Grand Old Party, are proud to announce our candidate for the Presidency of the United States. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, the next President of the United States: Former President RONALD WILSON REAGAN!”

The GOPs Best Hope For 2012

The GOP's Best Hope For 2012

Demonic entity Patrick J. Buchanan released a puff of sulfuric smoke from his acid-encrusted lungs to express glee that the party is finally going to be led by a man of action. “Dead or alive, Ronald Reagan is the greatest president ever, and this country would be wise to select such a great man to take this country back from the hands of a certain uppity individual who still doesn’t know his place.” Sean Hannity requested a napkin and a cigarette in order to compose himself after his apparent excitement. Between sighs of orgasmic bliss, Sean noted that “Ronald Reagan is the single entity that brought down the great red menace of communism, and we know that he’s turning over in his grave. Not because our perverted alchemists are conducting their dark magic to bring Reagan back, but because the same menace that Reagan destroyed overseas is now a threat on our home soil. Obama is a socio-communist Marxist celebrity, and the very idea of Ronald Reagan at the helm makes me… anyone have another cigarette… and another napkin?”

Only Mike Huckabee expressed horror at what the Republican Party was suggesting. “Ladies and gentlemen, do you HEAR yourselves? Ronald Reagan has been dead since 2004! What you’re suggesting doesn’t sit right with me. Look, like you, I feel that the sun rises and sets on St. Ronald of Reagan’s ever-decaying corpse. But we can’t just… bring him back to life, can we? Are we supposed to just go to the Reagan Library and dig him up?”

The crowd began chanting “Dig, Baby Dig!! Dig, Baby, Dig!!”, led by Palin and Steele.

Huckabee, a former governor, interjected by asking about the Constitutional hurdles that a reanimated corpse of Reagan would have to address. “Ladies and gentlemen, Ronald Reagan was a two-term President, and by our Constitution, he can’t be elected again! How are we going to get around that?”

“Eh, that Constitution is nothing but a godd****ed piece of paper. There are ways around it. Trust me,” snarled Cheney. “Rove and my minions are already working on the Patriot Act III with our sleeper agent Nancy Pelosi. Before the President knows what hit him, he’ll be signing into legislation an amendment that allows for multiple-term Presidents, only if they have died previously. It has the appearance of a way to ‘honor’ the efforts of a past President.”

Huckabee continued to express his misgivings about raising a man from the dead for the sake of the Presidency. “I’m sorry, but I have to say it. What you’re suggesting is nothing short of an abomination before man and God. The man is dead. He served his country! Let him rest in peace.”

“Huckabee, your lack of faith is disappointing”, hissed Cheney. “We are the pro-life party. What better way to project the image of protecting the sanctity of life than saying that by bringing back the greatest President in history from the cold clutches of the Grim Reaper? We have been preparing for this moment since Reagan was in office, as samples of his DNA have been stored in a secret facility. Our team of scientists are on standby, and as soon as they receive Reagan’s dessicated corpse, they can do what they do best. We have a litany of black magic incantations from the Necronomicon in case things get a little hairy. If you have a problem with this, well, the Socialist Commie Democrats are always looking for new members.”

“Yeah, you tell ’em, Dark Master Cheney! You tell ’em! We gots this, bawss!!!”, Steele interjected.

Steele closed the rally with a prayer and a softshoe routine.

Nailin’ Palin’s Daughter? Not In This Economy

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Alaska Gov. Palin’s daughter, fiance break up.

Actually, I’m shocked that kid didn’t hightail it for the Alaska wilderness as soon as John McCain tapped out. 

Fellas, we were all 19 once, right?  How many of us would have got the hell out of Dodge had they knocked up the daughter of two experienced shotgun wielding, Moose-killing/butchering, backwoods tracking, extreme snowmachining, Iditarod-racing, right-wing ding dong parents like the Ma & Pa Palin?  If you said, “fear of being shot-gunned to death by Moose-killing/butchering, backwoods tracking, extreme snowmachining, Iditarod-racing, right wing ding dong parents”, I would agree with you.

But even those maniacs couldn’t delay the inevitable, this thing was NEVER supposed to last.

He was the Himbo country jock (can you even consider Alaska “country”?  S*it, I dunno.) and she was mouthy, kiss-my-arse, rebellious trollop, on a hormonal collision course that was destined to de-rail as soon as the endorphins wore off and the cold, harsh reality of one of them realizing, “damn, I can’t really stand this asshole” kicked in.  But not before messing up another life by not wearing protection. 

Then Ma, somehow, got picked to be a VP candidate for President and all hell broke loose and not just for Levi and Bristol The Pistol.

But now things are the way they should be… 

Levi can now be free to update his Myspace page, bitch about how hard it is to study for his GED, go buy that old F-150 pickup with the sweet gunrack that his uncle’s been saving for him since he was knee-hi to a grasshopper instead of buying diapers and move on to knock up some other dumb skank to ensure that the evolution of man will continue to be stuck in neutral the survival of the human race and Bristol can become the bitter, single parent who will continue to have lousy taste in men and will wind up marrying some old dude from Juneau for his social security check.

Lo, the Circle Of Life has been completed.